Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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