My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
