we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
