i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
