every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
