im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
