Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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