I want to make a zoo with you.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Never underestimate the power of titties
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
