Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
