I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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