I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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