Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
