i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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