I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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