Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
