So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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