my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
