Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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