i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
