I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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