it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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