i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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