she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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