dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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