For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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