So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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