So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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