Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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