Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
