Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
