That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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