Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
