Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
