no, he came in my armpit
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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