hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
