Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
There's even glitter on my cock...
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