Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
