Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
