I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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