i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
