Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
