dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
