Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
