i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
