My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
