He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
