I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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