Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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