well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
