You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
