ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
