we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
