Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
