I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
