i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
