sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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