The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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