Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
