Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well you can't waste a boner
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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