Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think people are normalizing furries
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
