I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
