I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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