so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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